Today was hard day, but I seem to wrap up many days like that lately.
The combination of longing for a place I can’t be, the fear of what’s next and the pressure to search for that thing suffocates me. Sometimes, I cry because I don’t know what else to do.
My goals for Peace Corps were stronger than an escape from reality, the cushion of two years aboard with most grownup details taken care of by U.S. government. But that’s what I’ve reduced them to now that I an evacuated RPCV and hoping some right answer will present itself to me like genie.
I want to know what the next step is now so I can relax.
As I start putting together the pieces for another life I freak out like a man who can’t commit to a serious relationship. I am not ready to live this way or that way. I can’t make decisions on what I want to do or what I want to be.
And that’s OK.
I need to learn to take time and to stay still for a bit. My friends and family tell me that I need to not rush into anything and “just be.”
At this point, everything is an option for me, but I don’t have to try all of them or any of them till I am ready. For now, I surrender to the present, to this situation. Someday, this point will lead me to something bigger and I want to take advantage of it now. I am going to approach each moment with optimism and positivity no matter what may come of it. I guess that’s what living is all about.