6/30

For the most part, my life is full of blessings. I have a job, a place to live, good family and friends and good health. Still, it seems like, in just the sixth day of this little experiment, that I have to search for things to be grateful. Maybe that’s why I need to do this experiment, to bring what’s in front of me into the light.

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I am thankful for choice
Before leaving Lesotho, my country director told us that one of the hardest things about American life is choice. You will walk into a restaurant to order a salad, but you have to choose the type of lettuce, toppings, dressings, meat, cheese, size, etc. It can be overwhelming to someone who has spent the last two years choosing between a or b, the greek salad or the mixed. I was so scared of this overwhelming choice that I asked my mom to buy my phone prior to my arrival so that I didn’t have to go into the service provider store and try to decide which phone, what color and what size.

Choice, though, can also be a privilege. This morning, during meditation, I came to a conclusion that while God and the universe bring me opportunities I ultimately make my own decisions. I chose where to live and work. I chose who to date and who not to. I chose what to eat and to wear. I chose who I am. I spend a lot of time thinking life happens to me, but I am also realize that a lot of who I am and what I do is my choice, and that’s a really powerful, comforting thought.

I am thankful for vegetables
Every night I can go home and eat as many vegetables as I want. That was not a luxury I had a year ago.

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I am thankful for the constant

My life has been anything but consistent in the last year, and I secretly like it that way. Well, it was a secret. I find some kind of identity in being the person who goes from thing to thing and place to place, but it gets tiring after awhile. Even wanderlusts,want to sink there feet into the sand long enough to let the cool water flush them clean.

Being in one place scares me, in many of the same ways that Ev describes here. I laughed when she said that she doesn’t have much decor on her walls because I refuse to invest in frames and buying dishes downright terrifies me. Dishes are what people have when they intend to stay somewhere for awhile.

I remember sitting with SMH in one of our favorite DC coffee shops, telling her that moving to Chicago was becoming a real possibility for me. I also rambled on about my other things in my life that felt chaotic and muddy. She said, so kindly, “I think you just need to settle down for awhile.” She was so, so right but that S word scares me. I still let myself believe it means giving up. On what, I am not sure, but I constantly live in this fear that I am on the wrong path, not doing enough, not being enough.

Yet, there comes a time when the lull moments mean just as much as the big ones. Not that lull means dull, but that things are constant for awhile. Maybe I need consistency in order to figure out what is next. Instead of lusting for another adventure, I want to embrace this time with gratitude and curiosity.

 

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